Doctors and Lawyers and Pilots, oh my!

FOR THOSE WHO MISSED THE NON-HILTI HILTI ON SUNDAY!!!... you really didn't miss much. It was more boring than a party down in West Layton, Life Acquatic with Steve Zissou, or a Saturday date to the Taylor Swift concert.
The Hilti used to be a major event filled with engaged-girl-throwing-her-ring-into-the-river-type of shocking stories and The-Prestige-type of twists and turns and Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-type of death-defying experiences (this only applies to Boone when arguing with Sun.) This week, on the other hand, we were just struggling to find somebody who had been on a date in the last month.
We would normally count Sawyer, but Bethany "got out of her cage", if you know what I mean (wink, wink). Much like Claire every three months or so, Sawyer now has an automatic date, and we just can't count those. (Congrats to the happy couple, who have promised that they will not become instantly better than all of us like everyone else when they get married!)
Charlie probably came closest to an acutal date with paying for a friend of a friend's movie. (At least he took care of one 'P'.)
Then again, Kate did make it to the parking lot of the event for her date. (Note to self: Planning the date is not enough -- It's important to make sure what you 'Planned Out' is actually happening.) At least she didn't tell him she wanted to go home and play with her little sister and her friends... and then go to a movie with her own friends...
Sun did come up with a new category of Hilti which might count: Expected Hilti. Sun is taking matters into her own hand, and there are a 3 2 dates scheduled on the expected horizon. Why? Well, unfortunately she wasn't 'expect'ing IRAtional's new friend from the tail section to come with her family to watch him race around the island. What was he thinking?!! At least he didn't grab her leg in front of Sun...
Boone... has nothing. (Other than the strange urge to change his cell phone carrier from T-Mobile to Verizon.) But he did find out how girls rank boys according to their careers:

#1,345,256: Unemployed and/or Smothers Brothers
#1,345,255: Cage Fighters
#1,345,254: Graduate School Students (thanks for the consolation vote, Lis!)
.
.
.
#5: Pilots
#4: 2nd Best Quarterback BYU has ever had
#3: Lawyers
#2: Doctors
#1: Doctors who run marathons

[Sigh] Speaking of pilots, I wouldn't mind climbing into a plane myself right now... ;)

*cough* How many of these guys are doctors or lawyers? *cough*

In conclusion, I think we all learned a very valuable lesson this week: Mike smells like cotton candy.

AWKWARD!!!

As you know, on the "As the Hilti Turns" blog, we are constantly on the cutting edge of technology. On this post, we push the envelope once again with a new feature I will refer to as: Interactive Hilti Date Photos

Keep in mind that this new feature comes at a great sacrifice to all participants of this particular date. (Namely, Joel, Mike, and I looked like burros as my dad was having us and our dates pose for pictures.) Our dates could have only assumed 1 of 3 things:

1) That we are already making wedding plans after a couple dates and we had talked with the family so much about our girlfriends that they wanted to get a picture of their future daughter-in-laws.
2) That we are such losers that we can never get a date, and our parents are so excited that we actually are on a date that they must document it.
3) That Ganderson wanted to see what Andi looked like.

(Number 3 would be the correct answer.)

Fortunately, Peep has been around the family enough to not think twice. Bethany is more than used to it. And Andi... Oh, yeah -- That's right. This was the first time Andi ever met the fam. (At least nobody in the family went nuts and started yelling on the date.)

On to the pics...

In Exhibit A, you'll notice that Bethany's family is in the background, while Joel, Mike, and I and our super-cute dates are in the foreground. You'll notice that Andi is laughing (probably at some hilarious, witty comment I had just made... that, or I had just spit water all over the place.) Peep is not amused.



In Exhibit B, you'll see us and our dates as we tried to flee (unsuccessfully) without having another photo taken. Notice how casually 4 of the 6 of us are standing in the picture.



I hope you have enjoyed this installment of As the Hilti Turns. I believe this should start a new trend. Each of us, on our dates, should bring home pictures of our dates to post on the blog, no matter the level of awkwardness.

After all, it couldn't possibly be any more awkward than a discussion with Skinny-Legs about gambling and caffiene, dancing with Artz (and his hand), a DTR e-mail from Two-Face, a date who says "Good Gravy" repeatedly, finding out you've been set up with a 32 year-old, the stretching backward hand-rest on the leg, admitting to your girlfriend you actually wanted to date her roommate, an 8-hour first date to a BYU game and falling asleep on the way home, The Human Furnace, a text-message DTR sitting next to each other, dating a cage-fighter, an insto-doorstep scene, having a guy ask you to go on "a walk", a hand-hold attempt on the way back from Vernal, Goin-Courtin's arm a-holdin', your date not walking you up to to the door, a Committee lunch with Ganderson, a written merger-proposition on a second date, PB and... pauses, Forward Girl, flowers from the assistant produce manager, kissing two brothers, or a date with Hilti.

Joe just sent me this e-mail, and I thought it would be appropriate to post on the Hilti Blog. The author is unknown (probably with good reason...) ;)


Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . . . You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . . .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

:)

I just checked my calendar and realized it was time for my semi-annual posting on the blog. ;) Actually, to be completely honest, there really just hasn't been all that much to post. After the last Hilti, we discovered a new category of Hilti. First, there was "Hilti", then we added "Fantasy Hilti", then "Hidden Hilti", and then "Heated Hilti" (that was a fun one...) Now we have "Extremely Dull Hilti" (which, coincidentally, is what most of my dates have to say when they get home.)
Kate begged to have an emergency Hilti session, so we gathered the entire crew together for this huge one night only event, and then everybody was so excited that whosever turn it wasn't proceeded to fall asleep (even when somebody other than me was talking!) With ratings like this, the season will never be renewed.
Thank goodness Charlie has joined us and is single-handedly getting enough "Action!" from the directors and writers of the series to support the rest of us.
Claire is once again the "new girl in the ward" all the guys are talking about. Too bad she's never actually in her ward. If things continue the way they are, she may have to resort to some cage-fighting.
Sun is "okay...", other than the fact that she hates all guys and that we're all pigs and jerks and we're all the same (especially when we get around our friends) and she wishes we would all die slow, painful deaths. Needless to say, she's IRAte! (rim shot) Anybody care for a bike ride...?
Kate has done her fair share of star-gazing in the past couple weeks. But it was no big deal because it was only for two seconds (and by "two seconds", I mean "five minutes".) Don't stress, Kate -- If you need a date this weekend, I know a 50 year-old that would LOVE to go out with you. ;)
Sawyer hasn't been around the much. Rumor has it there's some diamonds on the other side of the island. Spring may bring a Series Finale to Sawyer's social "agenda."
This brings me to my next point that I brought up a while back with Kate that I feel I need to address again - Girls totally have a racket! (rack.et [rak-it] noun 1. a dishonest scheme, trick, business, activity, etc.) In approximately two hours from now, I'm going to pick up my blind date. This girl was sitting at home one day, and I called and asked her if I could take her out. I'm going to pick her up at her house, open all of her doors, pay for her dinner, pay for her movie, drop her off right at her front door... and then I will say "Thanks." She'll go home and laugh with her friends for days about what an idiot I am, and I'll go home and cry myself to sleep. Then I'll do the same thing again next weekend with another girl.
"What's in it for the guy?", you ask. Good question. The answer is simple: Nothing.
And what's even more crazy, we guys (pigs) don't mind a bit. In fact, if it's a good blind date (oxymoron), I'll hope to be able to go make a fool out of myself again as soon as possible. (sigh...)
There's only one thing that can cheer me up now: Lego Thriller.

Watch Lego Thriller

Tasty Friez-Dreid Ice Cream

The Hilti has only two weeks left until the cliff-hanging Season Finale. The cast are tight-lipped about the details of the two-hour episode, so we can't confirm the details, but spoilers (not "foilers") are speculating that the cliffhanger in this season's finale may include Kate actually making it to a third date.
This week's episode was eventful as always, with Sawyer and Nadia making appearances. Sun led the night off. Looks like P-Diddy will be missing Sun instead of Notorious B.I.G. from now on. Cute messages, fun parties, and Lincoln-like persistence were not enough to offset... slow responses. In a completely unrelated thought, Preston, England is really nice this time of year. With Sun's new cut & style though, it can't be long before a Jin comes a knockin' with a little bit of 사랑.
Kate was next in the hot seat (a.k.a "the windy seat".) The first second-date in a year should have just saved his arm, as he made the all-fatal mistake of suggesting that they (I'm not making this up) "go for a walk." (The nerve!!) Goin' Courtin' stayed in character -- He blessed her beautiful hide and hauled her up to meet the "brothers" after one date. (Kate is hoping for an avalanche.) Sorry, Goin' Courtin' -- You just weren't up to par.
Sawyer was next in the wind-tunnel with nothing much to report. Oh, other than the thrown-together-on-a-whim theme date which simultaneously made all the girls "awwwww" and made every date that Boone has ever planned look like a entreprenuer dinnership. Thanks a lot!
Nadia, sadly, is having more dates than any of us these days. (Granted, the guy's name is Roger.) Whatever keeps her from using her phone...
Meanwhile, Boone Hilti'd it up on Saturday night. In true Lost-style, an unexpected past connection between Boone's uncle and Forward-Girl was revealed. (Could it be fate, Cha'lie?) The non-theme date was lots o' fun, and Forward-Girl took Boone to the moon. (And Mars.) Preview for next week: Will Hilti's new three-date-and-kiss rule come to pass?
Last, but not least (except when missing Lost parties), Claire shocked the audience by killing off Skinny-Legs. (The caffiene would have done it eventually anyway.) Nobody saw this one coming! Michael is relieved now that he doesn't have to live a lie and he can go back to his obsessive once-a-year gambling habit. But what's next for poor Independent Claire? Oh, yeah, I forgot -- She dates more than the rest of the Hilti Committee combined and she just moved into a new ward with 100+ eligible guys.
It's been an exciting Hilti. If there's one lesson we can learn from this episode, it is: Treat her right! Treat your mother right!!

I DON'T PAY FINES!!!

So we have "Hilti", "Fantasy Hilti", "Hidden Hilti", and now "Heated Hilti". Hilti participants will now be required to wear helmets. (Those who tend to use the term "controlled fear" may also want to wear mouth-guards.)
Booney's week was pretty booring. No dates last weekend, but the coming weekend may finally break the drought for Hilti (if Lisa doesn't strangle him first, that is.) Will these dates lead to anything? I'd say the chances are roughly equal to the castaways on Lost being rescued this week, Paris not getting kicked off American Idol on Wednesday, or Erica baking some chocolate chip cookies for Greg Fowler.
Kute Kate was next on the interview couch. Friday was the big night with Drunk Date. It appears that skinnier-Legs decided to skip the completing-a-whole-date phase, and go right to the let's-spend-a-week-together-in-your-uncle's-condo-in-New-York phase. (This guy moves almost as fast as Joel.) ;) He's divorced, skinny-as-a-rail, seriously weird, and the date was not good at all, so of course she wants to go out with him again. Maybe some good service will help -- Ward visits anyone? No? Ward visits anyone?
Sun uncovered the world's conspiracy to try to get her to marry PB. Our cover is blown!! "Operation Agreeable" is off! I repeat! "Operation Agreeable" is off!! Abort! Abort!! Abort!!! I would comment more on the date, but Lisa informed us last night that we've only seen a small portion of the built-up anger, so...
Claire's baby is SOOOOO cute! (Who is the father? Her brother.) (As Allyson would say: "Awkward.") Claire had quite the exciting week. The trip to Seattle Tacoma Spokane (not "Spokane") must have done her good, because while everybody else was on the verge of shooting someone in the thigh, Claire sat there, calm as the sun (not to be confused with Sun, who was... not so calm.) Not-so-skinny-legs appears to have averted the near-crisis for now. There have been a few tense moments, but he's dribbled the ball past a few big defenders who we thought he might not get by and is moving quickly up the field. Is there a championship ring in the future? The bets odds chances possibilities are probably about as good as Lost being a rerun any given week.
After all was said and done, things calmed down, and the night turned out to be really good. I think there's a lesson we can learn from all of this: We all need to be more like the squirrels.

Buckle your lips, you little... pieces... of... nothings!

Guess who's back? Back again. Hilti's back. Tell a friend. This week's installment of Days of our Hilti was quite uneventful... or was it, Al?!?! (It turns out that in addition to Hilti and Fantasy Hilti, we now have a new category of Hilti: Hidden Hilti. (Which ironically is the same thing most of the female population around the world is praying for... and because prayers are answered, Booney Boy didn't have anything to contribute to the Hilti.))
Lisy Lis and the Funky Bunch had a Date-o on Friday. (Note to self for future dates: A stake activity honoring the outgoing stake presidency is not a good place to take a date.) (Oh, wait... I already knew that.)
Kate, whose new super-cute hairstyle has now pulled the average age of the Hilti committee down to 17 years-old, had an pretty eventful week as well. The Friday date was SO MUCH FUN!! (Note to self for future dates: Gateway is the perfect place for a date... espeically if you want Miss America to never call you back again.) (I don't know -- What do you think of Gateway dates, Al?) The date was well-planned, the guy was really cool, she's never had so much fun in her life, so of course she never wants to see him again. Joel, on the other hand, should feel pretty special, however, because Kate turned down a date with Mr. Dreamboat to go to DC. Unfortunately, however, Mr. Dreamboat stayed at the dock when he found out that Civics need a special kind of fuel called "Unleaded". (Who knew?!!) Why he would worry about something as little as a potential future spouse putting $25 worth of diesel into an $8,000 car that has $500 worth of damage from a wreck (that fortunately didn't hurt the new $500 bumper that was put on after the last wreck), and racking up a $150 towing bill all in one night is beyond me...
Claire didn't have anything... until she got caught in her web of lies!!! In a stunning revelation, we were shocked to learn that not only had Claire kissed Michael, but she has also kissed skinny legs. (Whose?... we don't know.) Perhaps that's why Claire was using vulgarities all night like (remember I'm quoting) "Nothings". The 15 year-old probably hears those kinds of things in school every day, but what about the 10 year-old and the two 12 year-olds, Al?? I hope you're happy.
Hanging around Erica must have rubbed off on "?" -- He kissed 4 people in less than two hours. (Rim shot!) (J/K, Dribb -- You know I love you!) "?" has many ladies on the line. Some psycho, some not. Will any of them make it to a second date?! No.
In summary, the Hilti Committee needs to work on their communication skills. Luckily, Hilti Himself is a Communication major. I believe I can heal the pain that Al's vicious lies have caused and bridge the gap between Al and Erica, and Joe, Lisa, and myself. But only if everyone will listen to our wise Bishop's advice given yesterday in church: "Just do whatever Spencer says."

"I don't have any Hilti tonight... No, guys -- I really don't have anything. Oh! I just remembered one little thing: Well, I'm madly in love and I went ring-shopping on Saturday. What??? I didn't tell you guys that?? I'm sure I did... You guys just don't listen -- You need to take notes!!"

QUICK!!! BEAR YOUR TESTIMONY!
Hilti has calmed down now, so he's ready to post for this week's episode of Days of our Hilti. First of all, I think it's important that we clarify some definitions that have been causing some confusion lately:
"The Hilti" (Tha Hil-Tee) noun: The Sunday night gathering (sometimes taking place on Wednesdays) where the members of The Hilti committee and guests share their dating experiences for the past week(s).
"Hilti" (Hil-tee) noun: 1. Refers specifially to Spencer Leonard Hilton. 2. The German-born corporation specializing in construction tools.
"dejected" (d-jkt-dud) adj.: Being in low spirits; depressed. de·ject, de·ject·ing, de·jects.
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get on to this week's episode. It was a rough one.
Kate started us off, thanks to the brand new Hilti birthday dye. Elvis has re-entered the building! (For those of you that have had difficulty interpreting my analogies in the past, I will now elaborate. This specific reference has to do with Jordan returning from Las Vegas. During Elvis "The King" Presley's last years (the fat years), Elvis performed almost exclusively in Las Vegas. One popular phrase associated with Elvis is: "Elvis has left the building", first coined by Harold Lee Logan when trying to calm down a group of crazed fans after a performance in 1956. Hence, the play on words -- "Elvis" (in this case, Jordan, because of his association with Las Vegas) "has re-entered the building" (meaning, returned from Vegas.)) I won't even try to explain the Ides of March. ;)
Sun followed Kate with the surprising revelation that Arst is back in the picture?? What?!!! Sun -- I think you may have forgotten that Arst blew up last season. Believe me -- You don't want to get any Arst on you. (Rim shot!)
Boone was next. He talked all about his cute, fun date the Friday before with R&R. 28 years of life could not have prepared him for the verbal lashing that followed. But Hilti did confound them, that they durst not utter against him. And thus it is. Amen.
Claire finished up by describing her date with Sam (Hilti's youngest brother not begat in the wilderness). All I have to say is, "Poor Sam!" He's just trying to do his best in this world full of cruel, cruel girls. He is completely in love with Allyson (can you blame him?), working up all the courage possible, and trying to do the best he knows how, and these girls sit around and ridicule him.
Sam -- If you're reading this. I feel your pain. Give me a call. We'll go drown our sorrows in some NERTZ!!!
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na!! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hilti's glum!!!


P.S. Hilti's got the best friends in the world! Thanks for giving all -- My birthday was great! :)

GOOD GRAVY!!!
Hilti's flying solo tonight. (I know, I know... So what's new?) It's been a while since we posted -- We want to take this opportunity to apologize to all of our fans. We'll be back on January 18th... or 14th... or 11th.
This week's installment of Hilti had many twists and turns. "Sawyer" has a blind date scheduled on Friday with a ballerina from the other side of the island. But in a surprise twist, Sawyer is setting the guy who radioed him up with one of "Boone"s old girlfriends. (She was before your time...)
"Sun" didn't have much Hilti, other than a quick smile followed by a Christmas present from "Arst". Hang in there, Sun!!! -- Jin will return from the raft one day, and when he does, he'll have his shirt off!
"Kate" tried to tell us she had no Hilti, when we all knew darn well that she'd been skiing two weeks ago with Ethan. (Turns out that Ethan tried to squeeze her to death on the date.) Ethan didn't need any help from Charlie -- He shot himself on this one. (Rim shot!)
Two girls suddenly popped up on the radar for "Boone". He normally would have high hopes, but sometimes these episodes make Boone want to climb up into a plane somewhere.
But nobody can deny that this was a "Claire" episode. Who knew?! Not one, but two dates! One of the two islanders didn't go out on a raft, although he did swim in an island lake (whether he was wearing a swimsuit and swimming with girls or not, we still don't know.) The other islander pursues like a wild boar, which we all know is a major turn-off. (Unless it involves running through an airport, knocking on every door of a street, or flying to France and asking someone who you've never even gone on a date with to marry you, in which case it's cute.) (Now where was that plane again...?)

CHRISTMAS EXTRANAGANZA PLANNING POST!
We need a theme song. Ideas? We need games, ideas? We need food-oh wait, we got that.
Help! A denim-covered restraint is holding me hostage here!

Hey, you alternates!! You're not invited! Go away!

Eryca will be singing "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and Lysa will be booing her.

Hylty doesn't know what fondue is, but he does know what FUNdo is! :)

Joy will be doing a...nothing...Joy will be doing nothing. Except for standing under the mistletoe. . .waiting. (I'll see you there, Heidi;))

P.S. If Hylty doesn't get some Hylty by Extranaganza time, he may dyject someone...

P.P.S. We all missed Al this week!!! (Even Jeremy!)

December 14th... SURPRISE!!!! It's Lisa's birthday. Lisa, this is Spencer. For your birthday, I'm giving you: "One free beat-down of any thugs treating you inappropriately." Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas! happy birthday lisa may all your dreams come true. -- Brent. Well, lisie, I am very grateful that you came tonight- (or our cake and tIhe surprise would have been dejected!) You are so funny and nice, let's just call you fice (or nunny)! Love Ya! Although the surprise would have been funnier if we had gotten it together before you arrived (oops!), I just have to say that I feel frilly. In fact, I feel more frilly than I ever have before. I think that Lisa brings out the frilly in me. She brings out the frilly in everyone. Lisa is the best. Hi -- This is Heidi!!! Lisa, on this birthday, I think it's time that I declare my love for Spencer. He is so smute! (Smart and cute.) Anyway, I know I'm really tired tonight, but it's only because I've been so excited for your birthday today. Love ya, girlfriend! I don't have anything to say- wait scratch that, I have lots to say about how much I just love you and soon we will be bathing in the honduran sun, or maybe the hawaiian sun. Happy Byrthday Lysa!!! PS. Konan the orangatang dejected me, if you can imagine. So, he'll be at your door anytime soon. Ok. its your turn...I thought I was only in for a little Hilty tonight...but to my amazement my super cool friends completely dejected me as I walked in the door. I almost up and left, but out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of something remarkable...something that resembled the fuzz on a pigs ear. It drew me in...and then there were two. Yes, the two most incredible inaugural Birthday goateeez you've ever seen. My frenz r vuper sool!!!

What to say about this exciting week. Two close calls, but not close enough. Wednesday and Friday dates just didn't seem to materialize for me. You would think this would cause me to despair, but no not I said the hilti. I just got lost, me and my girlfiends that is. Yes, I found myself in a bachelor's paradise surrounded by beautiful women. Odds in my favor! (Although it didn't help... never does...) I often find myself in this predicament--Which is why I created this blog. I wanted to place this ad:

Personals: Guy who speaks authoritatively on Sundays and in a deeper voice, using shorter, longer words seeks a desperate girl who can love a guy who emphasizes with his hands. (Note: Must be EXTREMELY desperate!) Please call 867-5309, and ask for Bri-OHN!!!